Assalamualaikum..
I am refraining myself from writing in Ramadhan, because I know it will be full of loop side emotions.
Its too overwhelming, I always found myself crying during meetings, or simply when am writing a report or a proposal, just whenever that flashes of memories flooded back.
Its all good memories. And crying because I am in so need to have it all again, or at least to share it with my beloved family now, my kids, for them to indulge in the same experiences too.
Back then, when I was small, Ramadhan is a festive for the family. Emak will woke us all from sleeping by touching our feets. And when one of us refuse to woke up (this normally my clingy sister 😌), Abah will carry her to the dining table....
And Iftar is ceremoniously celebrated. Just tell what you want to have, it will definitely be on the table. Have I told you that Emak is one with persistent banner against all junkies (including ice cream)? and Abah is totally opposite, just tell, or as simple as when you are watching television and suddenly the advertisement went up full blast, and point your finger - abah nak!!!!. It will be on the dining table. With emak rolling her eyes. Haha.
Normally, 2 hours before Iftar, emak and abah will start the cooking. With the helper. And my sisters (not me) will setup the dining table following orders from emak. It has to be in a set. If for that particular day, the plate is white in color, the accompanying glass, or serving plate should all come in from the same set of design and color.
And the table donning will always to perfection, symmetrical. Hotel's setting. Haha. And amongst all 4, Gow is the only one with this attitude. I dont really care if my plate is in red rectangle shape, and Hasif's in blue round shape.
And normally after Iftar, we all will go to Mosque for Terawih...and celebrate each Terawih completion with Moreh at home. Its just full of laughter. A family get together. Where you can tell all your stories (including who you likes and hates in school). There is no judgement. Never. Emak and Abah manage to create this tradition of us eating together (a must) and regardless how hateful your fight with the siblings before , you have to get it down and settle and all smile for the dishes. That's the rule.
And when I was grown up, have a family on my own, am really trying to instill the same tradition. So far its work , except for the part of Emak cook herself, Hasif will do that part. Not me.
That was the happy moments.
And 3 years ago, when Abg Chik passed away just before Aidilfitri, the emotion
goes roller coaster. How you marry a moment of happiness with sadness of the passing of your elder brother? I can't.
And this year, Mama was leaving us 4 months before Ramadhan. The 2nd bullet hit. How to forgive yourself of not looking after your Mama dearly, or not doing your best to gave her the best of this world, or not thanking her enough for all the sacrifices she had made for the family?
Even until now, despite all the efforts, am still questioning myself, why am I not taking unpaid leave to look after Mama when she was sick. Why I said yes when the doctor wants to insert those loop in mama's trachea to help her breathing? Have I made the right decision for saying yes, or it was actually the act that worsen Mama's condition and led to her death. Have I , the in law, made the wrong decision that made the whole family losing their mother?
So.. that Ramadhan this year to me. a whirlwind emotions. Going to office with pairs of panda eyes. Going to bed in worry should I accidentally sleep through the nights and miss those moments to seek His forgiveness.
So...that's me. Now.
I hope this will gone soon.
Happy Ramadhan to you. Do cherish every moments you have now, for you will never knew how long it would last.
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